Wrestling
Dear Willie,My grandmother is considering becoming a professional wrestler and is having difficulty in deciding what to take as her ‘stage’ name. She was fond of Crusher Brannigan for a while, but has recently began to favour Deathlock Davies or Nutcracker Nelligan. Her actual name is Felicity. She is a big fan of yours and would appreciate any help you could give. Tickets for ringside seats for her debut are on offer if you can come up with anything.
Hector Shitkucker, Arizona
Dear Hector,
I'm no great fan of professional wrestling as the acting is often below the standard of even the most mediocre daytime soap opera. The offer of ringside seats is therefore immaterial. However I would like to help old Felicity in her ambitions and think Knitting Nancy or Baking Betty would be more appropriate.
Willie
Unmentionable
Dear Willie,I have a large, ugly, boil on my ‘unmentionable’, which is occasionally quite painful. Can you help?
Colin, Miami
Dear Colin,
Well, I must admit, you’ve got me stumped with this one. I’ve checked everywhere and even asked Dr Singh down at the Health Centre, and there’s definitely no part of the human body called an unmentionable. There’s all sorts of weird named things, but absolutely no unmentionable. Do you mean your penis?
Willie
Shameless Plug
Dear Willie,I want to be a writer. I have an idea for a book. It’s about aliens invading Earth, disguised as elephants. They hide out in zoos and circuses as well as Africa. I think it’s a great idea and would make a fantastic film as well. What do you think?
Alphonse, Milan
Dear Alf,
If you’re planning on writing a book and you don’t have any experience I’d suggest you head over to Scriptschool where they’ll get you on the write track. If it ever comes to a film do bear me in mind for the lead, as long as he’s a human. I’m a bit overweight, but I don’t think I could manage an elephant.
Willie
Stripper
Dear Willie,My mother is causing me great concern. Since my father died she has taken to wearing short skirts and high heeled shoes and behaving in a very loose manner. She wears bright red lipstick and whistles at workmen in the street. I fear that she will come to a bad end. She is a stripper.
Vernon, Prague
Dear Vern
When I was in the house painting game we didn’t have dedicated strippers but had to strip the walls ourselves before preparing them for painting or wallpapering. But people have things too easy these days and if your mother wants to earn a bit to supplement her pension I don’t see anything wrong with the decorating business. But do tell your mother to be careful when climbing ladders while wearing a short skirt.
Willie
