Well, here I am again, dear friends, dealing with all of the problems that ail you with my all-encompassing wisdom. For those who have not visited before, I am Willie, the Scottish Sage, and what I don’t know wouldn’t fill a midget’s matchbox. But on with today’s session, read and learn!
LESBIAN
Dear Willie,I am 21 years old and after several failed relationships with men have decided that I will become a lesbian. However, I am unsure how to proceed with this course of action. Does one have to sit an exam or anything? Please advise.
Karen, Winnipeg
Dear Karen,
It’s not widely known but lesbianism was actually invented by a man, the legendary Nathaniel Lesbian, of Tobruk fame. It was basically to give his wife, Olivia, something to do with her friends in the afternoons while their menfolk were at work. Nat never envisaged that it would catch on like wildfire and become the major female participation sport of the 20th Century. In his memoirs he remarks that he wished he’d taken out a patent and of the millions he’d have made if he’d got a cent every time one woman kissed another. This version of events is disputed but I stand by it. Nat, himself, told me about it in a pub in Pitlochry. But, to answer your question, no exam is required, merely strong lips.
Willie
PASTA
Dear Willie,In our history class yesterday, the teacher said that Marco Polo brought pasta back from his visit to China and this is why Italians eat so much of it. Is this true?
Claire (9), Wyoming
Dear Claire,
Don’t believe a word of it. This is a lie perpetuated by the Chinese who want to claim that they invented everything, apart from communism, which was invented by Carol Marx, the daughter of Groucho Marx and a part-time go-go dancer. If Marco Polo had brought pasta back from China we’d be eating noodles bolognese or noodles carbonara. And Bruce Lee was an Irishman.
Willie
DRUNK
Dear Willie,My wife says I drink too much. Do you think it is wrong to get drunk twice at the weekend?
John, Sydney
Dear John,
I am something of an expert on these matters as drinking is Scotland’s national sport. What you must impress on your wife are the benefits of being drunk. Here is a list of things which you can do better when inebriated. (1) Talk nonsense (2) Fall down (3) Pick fights (4) Eat rubbish (5) Vomit (6) Sleep.
What other activity could give you such a wide range of benefits?
Cheers!
Willie
BLADDER
Dear Willie,My husband would like to go on an overseas holiday which would involve a lot of travel. Unfortunately I have recently started suffering from bladder problems and this would be very inconvenient due to my constant needs. Can you suggest a solution?
Doreen, Dubai
Dear Doreen,
This is an easy problem to solve. Why don’t the pair of you take an incontinental holiday?
Willie
VOYEUR
Dear Willie,I am a voyeur and yesterday my neighbour, Mrs Coldly, accused me of spying on her undressing through her window. She even went to the lengths of phoning the police and having me arrested. But I was merely lurking in the undergrowth to have a peek at my wife while she was undressing, as she is an exhibitionist. How can I convince the authorities that this was consensual between two adults?
Norbert, Atlanta Ga
Dear Norbert,
The only way I can see for your wife to convince a court that she is an exhibitionist, and you are innocent, is for her to fling off her garments in the witness box. On second thoughts, I believe you deserve jail time, as any man who wants to watch his wife undressing is obviously dangerous.
Willie
SWITCHING
Dear Willie,I am a very successful businessman, with a loving wife, an expensive car and a very large house. Unfortunately I also have a very beautiful secretary. What can I do?
Howard
Reno
Dear Howie,
What you have to do is re-arrange things a bit. Stick with the successful businessman, the loving wife and the expensive car. But switch the house and secretary so that she is vary large and the house is very beautiful.
Willie
