“I am Willie, the Scottish Sage. I live on the banks of Loch Ness with my beautiful young wife Sadie and attempt to solve all of your problems, whether they be personal, familial, sexual or whatever, by tapping into my vast knowledge of ancient Scottish wisdom and lore. Feel free to consult me at willie@scriptschool.co.uk Welcome to Willie’s Wisdom.”
NAKED
Dear Willie,My husband has asked me to perform a sexual act with him which involves me removing my nightdress. I find the thought of this totally repulsive and never imagined that I had married a man with such perverse desires. He never expressed a desire to see me naked while we were courting, but now I find him trying to peek at me in the bath and trying to look up my skirt while I’m watching TV. I’m sure this change in behaviour is down to a change in diet as I’ve recently been encouraging him to eat more fish. Do you think he would stop his disgusting demands if I returned to feeding him red meat seven days a week?
Catriona, Lyons
Dear Catriona,
The mystery of what women hide under their clothing has tormented men since time immemorial and is understandable. To satisfy your husband’s curiosity you must surf porn sites on the web, no matter how distasteful you might find this, and find a woman whose body closely resembles yours. You can then point your husband in the direction of this hussy and inform your husband that you look like that. The red meat is a good idea though, and I would recommend venison as that will turn him into an absolute deer.
Willie
ACTING
Dear Willie,I am an aspiring actor. I need your advice on which great actors’ to study, as I have half a mind to feature in a TV soap opera.
Larry, Carlisle
Dear Larry,
That’s all you’ll need.
Willie
TIME TRAVEL
Dear Willie,I have invented a time machine and I can prove this as I am writing this tomorrow and you will receive it yesterday. If you want to join me on a jaunt to the 28th century, come round to my house at (address deleted) last week, Thursday. Please bring a large amount of cotton wool (about 5 kilos) as this is what fuels my time machine, and I am low on funds.
Pete, Penn.
Dear Pete,
I am afraid I must decline your invitation as I am polishing my hedgehog last week. If you are low on funds, travel one day into the future and check the racing results. A wise bet when you return should ensure your fortune.
Willie
ZITS
Dear Willie,I have a zit the size of a planet on my nose. I am going out with a lovely girl and she has never mentioned it, though she does give me the occasional funny look. But I just know that one day, while kissing her, my zit will burst and drown her in pus. What can I do?
Dave, Honolulu
Dear Dave,
There is a simple answer, find a different girlfriend. Girls who wear spectacles are notoriously short-sighted and won’t even notice your zit. If your new girlfriend should spot it (pun intended), simply tell her that it is your friend’s pet zit and you are looking after it while he is away.
Willie
BUSTS
Dear Willie,You must help me. My husband and I are divorced and now, in my hour of need, my bosoms have deserted me. They were always my pride and joy and were always a source of attraction to my admirers. But now they are drooping and saggy and I fear I shall never find another man. I have tried support bras and would consider plastic surgery only I’m allergic to anaesthetics. What can I possibly do?
Simone, Alaska
Dear Simone,
Not all men are attracted to large, firm, upstanding, boobies. Some men, in fact, prefer quite flat-chested women. You, therefore, should not worry too much. My prescription for you is not to concentrate on the bodily parts that have failed you, but to seek out another area of attraction. What are your feet like?
Willie
SPACE HAGGIS
Dear Willie,We at NASA plan to put a Scotchman into orbit on the International Space Station soon as part of a medical experiment to investigate the effects of over-indulgence in alcohol on a weightless human. For instance, how can you tell if he’s drunk if he can’t fall over? Your name was put forward, but we are looking for the reactions of an average human being, and you are obviously far beyond that. In any case, that is not why I am contacting you. We, naturally, like to make our astronauts as comfortable as possible in the alien environment of space, and so we would request you to ask your wife, Sadie, for her recipe for haggis so that our future jockanaut can enjoy his usual diet.
Prof Braun, Washington
Dear Prof,
Delighted to be able to help. Here is the recipe:-
1 sheep's stomach bag
1 sheep's pluck - liver, lungs and heart
3 onions
250g beef Suet
150g oatmeal
salt and black pepper
a pinch of cayenne
150mls of stock/gravy
Clean the stomach bag thoroughly and soak overnight. In the morning turn it inside out. Wash the pluck and boil for 1.5 hours, ensuring the windpipe hangs over the pot allowing drainage of the impurities. Mince the heart and lungs and grate half the liver.
Chop up the onions and suet. Warm the oatmeal in the oven. Mix all the above together and season with the salt and pepper. Then add the cayenne. Pour over enough of the pluck boiled water to make the mixture watery. Fill the bag with the mixture until it's half full. Press out the air and sew the bag up. Boil for 3 hours without the lid on. Serve with neeps and tatties.
Sadie says it would be an awful palaver to cook one in a space station and has volunteered to make one for you. But be warned, Sadie’s haggis give you terrible wind and your chap might have to leave the windows open.
Willie
