Binges & Bilingual

“Welcome again, readers, I am Willie, the Scottish Sage. I live on the banks of Loch Ness with my beautiful, young, wife Sadie and attempt to solve all of your problems, whether they be personal, familial, sexual or whatever, by tapping into my vast knowledge of ancient Scottish wisdom and lore. Feel free to consult me at willie@scriptschool.co.uk Welcome to Willie’s Wisdom.”

UNDERWEAR

Dear Willie,
When we first married my husband asked me not to wear underwear around the house, a request I acceded to. Later, he asked me to refrain from wearing underwear when we went out on social occasions as he said this gave him a certain ‘thrill’ and again I complied. However, he has now asked me to stop wearing underwear at work, and I think this is a step too far, expecting me to go commando constantly. Can you point me towards a way of keeping my panties on while not upsetting my husband? I am a lingerie model.
Fifi, Sao Paolo

Dear Fifi,
At first I was naturally upset at your husband condemning you to hypothermia of the buttocks, but on reflection I see that his demands are not only unreasonable but unenforceable. At home and on social occasions he is present to check on your lack of underclothing but I assume he is not present when you are at work, where you can don your underwear. Be sure to rub your bottom with ice cubes and complain about the cold when he comes home from work to maintain the illusion.
Willie

BINGES

Dear Willie,
My husband has a ‘binge’ personality. He binge drinks and eats, but these don’t bother me as his benders usually leave him feeling unwell and so he suffers for his pleasures. But he has now started binging on making love which means that I can get very little housework done during the weekends. Can you recommend a good mattress?
April, Sydney

Dear April,
You don’t really want me to recommend a good mattress, do you? We both know that any mattress that is fit to be slept on, is fit to make love on. I suspect, therefore, that you are just using me to inform your neighbours, that your husband and you are going at it like rabbits at the weekend. Enjoy.
Willie

POLITICS

Dear Willie,
This may seem personal, but what are your politics?
Joe, Penn.

Dear Joe,
I have no problem with revealing my political affiliations. I am proud to say that I am a confirmed Marxist and feel that Groucho would have made a fine president if he had not been seduced by the dark side of the force in the shape of Mrs Fluffy Claypool.
Willie

BREATH

Dear Willie,
My assistant at work, Bernie, has really bad breath. In all other respects he is totally spick and span so I can’t really discipline him on his hygiene without invoking an employment tribunal. I also note that he doesn’t have a girlfriend and this is likely down to his breath. How can I let him know without appearing rude?
Bill, Boston

Dear Bill,
I am about to reveal to you a secret method of influencing people subliminally. You must march up to Bernie and in your loudest voice roar, “Your breath is disgusting!”
He will, no doubt, be shocked and enquire as to your reasons for this outburst. You will then reply that you have taken up amateur dramatics and were merely rehearsing a line from your upcoming production. He will have no option but to accept this, but you will have planted in his mind the seed of doubt about the reek of his breath. There is the secret - to be subliminal, you must shout.
Willie

BULLIES

Dear Willie,
My son is being bullied by bigger boys at school and I don’t know what to do about it as the bigger boys have fathers that are bigger than I am. Can you suggest anything?
Yuri, Lvov

Dear Yuri,
I would recommend that your son learn the Scottish martial art of No Kan Do which is remarkably easy to master. When confronted by opponents and challenged to fight your son must shout ‘No Kan Do’ and run away, thus saving himself from a beating. It worked for me and I can still do the 100 metres in 12 seconds.
Willie

BILINGUAL

Dear Willie,

My mother (pictured) has being going around telling everybody she is bisexual because she has learnt to speak Spanish at her evening classes. How can I tell her that she is, in fact, bilingual?
Rose, Cardiff

Dear Rose,
I think you’re making assumptions both about your mother’s comprehension and her sexuality. She may just be using the pretext of her bilingualism to trumpet her love for other women, only subtly. But tell your father to buy a bigger bed in case she gets too friendly with a Spanish woman.
Willie