Tuesday, 5 January 2010

Armour & Bankers

“Welcome, readers, I am Willie, the Scottish Sage. I live on the banks of Loch Ness with my beautiful, young, wife Sadie and attempt to solve all of your problems, whether they be personal, familial, sexual or whatever, by tapping into my vast knowledge of ancient Scottish wisdom and lore. Feel free to consult me at willie@scriptschool.co.uk Welcome to Willie’s Wisdom.”

Dear Willie,
I am worried about my uncle Fred as he has been spotted in a gay bar by my friend Gay Bob. My Aunt Gwen would be devastated if she found out what he was up to, but I don’t know how to approach him about his sexuality. You may think this is none of my business but if Fred is gay it would destroy our family. If he is gay could you advise me on how to tell him not to be, or to be more discreet about his filthy habits?
Shelley, Swansea

Dear Shelley,
You seem to be assuming that Gwen doesn’t know about this side of Fred’s life. In fact, Fred confessed to his bisexual nature while they were still courting and Gwen saw his frequent ‘boy’s nights’ as a perfect opportunity to indulge her passion for online chess. Both parties are happy so, as you note, it’s none of your business.

Dear Willie,
The person who has moved in next door is a banker! What is the world coming to? How can these people, who have brought the entire world to ruins be allowed to live normal lives and move into nice neighbourhoods after the crimes against humanity they’ve committed. The worst part is that this thief and charlatan shows no shame or remorse and expects us to accept him as a normal person. He squanders his wealth on his vapid wife and pathetic children with vans delivering new goods they have purchased using our money on a daily basis. Who do I appeal to, to have this money-grubbing felon removed from our vicinity and placed in a secure facility.
Ryan, Duluth

Dear Ryan,
I think a modicum of Christian charity is required here. A banker, by his very nature, cannot help but steal people’s money. It is the way he was born. We must remember that banking is a crime and not a sin, because it was Man who created banks. Do not despise and reject this poor soul, but pray for him, that he may see the error of his ways. Either that, or burn him out.

Dear Willie

I have inherited a suit of armour from an English relative but have no idea what to do with it though I thought I might keep it and wear it to fancy dress parties. I’ve tried it on and it’s a little tight across the shoulders but can’t find a tailor willing to let it out a little. Short of setting about it with a can opener, what can I do?
Norm, Peoria

Dear Norm,
You are a lucky chap because what you’ve inherited is not just a suit of armour, but a ‘business in a can’ as you can not only wear the suit to fancy dress events yourself, but let it out to others, making yourself a tidy profit. To have it adjusted for size put it into your local body shop where you have the dents taken out of your car. Oil regularly and avoid rain.

Dear Willie,
My wife has never been hugely endowed in the bosom department and has been considering having breast enhancement for some time. She has the money as she received compensation for a work related accident involving a stuffed giraffe, but still won’t commit herself to the procedure. For myself, I couldn’t care either way, but I just wish she would stop dithering. Can you suggest anything?
Ben, Leeds

Dear Ben,
This is not something to be taken lightly and your wife’s decision will affect both of you, so I think you should both sit down and discuss this at length. My suggestion would be that she have one done to see if she is happy with the effect, before committing herself to giving you a handful.

Dear Willie,
I would like to become a snake charmer but don’t know where to begin. There don’t seem to be any schools listed in the Yellow Pages.
Alfred, Orlando

Dear Alf,
Before taking this too far I would check to see if you have any natural aptitude by visiting the Reptile House at your local zoo. Pick a snake you find attractive and attempt to charm it. If it finds you charming enough it will attempt to follow you and you can then contact Ranji Patel, the world’s premier snake charmer at the Ranji Patel Snake Charming Academy in New Delhi, India. He offers discounts for those with natural talent and their own turban.

Dear Willie,
My girlfriend is threatening to break up with me if I don’t stop pestering her for sex. We have been a couple for three years and I think it’s perfectly reasonable to take our relationship to the next level, but she feels that a minimum of five years is necessary to prove our undying love for each other before she can give herself to me. It’s not as if she’s a virgin, or anything. She has been married before and has three children. How can I get her to loosen up?
Al, Nebraska

Dear Al,
The answer to your question lies in your first sentence, you are ‘pestering her’ for sex. She is used to marital sex, where no pestering is necessary, merely a convenient horizontal surface.

This will be the last Willie's Wisdom here.  If you'd like to continue reading my advice column please go to scriptschool.co.uk   for regular updates

Tuesday, 29 December 2009

Flirting & Etiquette

“Welcome, readers, I am Willie, the Scottish Sage. I live on the banks of Loch Ness with my beautiful, young, wife Sadie and attempt to solve all of your problems, whether they be personal, familial, sexual or whatever, by tapping into my vast knowledge of ancient Scottish wisdom and lore. Feel free to consult me at willie@scriptschool.co.uk Welcome to Willie’s Wisdom.”

Dear Willie,
My boyfriend pays far too much attention to other girls when we go to parties together. He says he’s just flirting and it’s harmless, but I feel slighted and ignored. How can I get him to realise that if he truly loved me he should give me the attention I deserve?
Hannah, New Mexico

Dear Hannah,

There is only one way to solve this problem, but it is surefire and I can recommend it without fear of contradiction. The answer lies in magnets, and specifically electro-magnets as you want your boyfriend to come to your side when you want him and not be welded to you. Place a powerful electro-magnet, complete with battery, in your handbag, and a piece of steel in your boyfriend’s pocket. When you require his company, simply fire up your electro-magnet and he will be at your side in an instant.  (see picture)

Dear Willie,
My girlfriend, Simplicity, and I have been courting for several months and she has now agreed to ‘give’ herself to me. This is a first for both of us and we are looking forward to it eagerly. However, we are unsure of the etiquette involved with such an event. Does one place an advertisement in The Times or play it low key?
Jerry, Kilburn

Dear Jerry,
This is an occasion which should be celebrated with as much gusto as you can manage. I would hire a brass band and a marquee if you expect a lot of spectators. Depending on the duration of the event, you might also have to provide catering and toilet facilities. I understand there are people who manage such events for a reasonable amount and you might want to hire one of these to allow you to concentrate on your arduous task. Also if you are in the least well-known, try to negotiate a healthy fee for the television rights.

Dear Willie,
As I respect your wisdom I am going to ask you a question that has tormented me for 50 years. Did man actually land on the moon?”
Fritz, Dresden

Dear Fritz,
Without a doubt, my friend, the Eagle did indeed land on the moon. Neil Armstrong, to whom I am distantly related, sent me a piece of moon rock as a memento and it was clearly stamped Made on the Moon.

Dear Willie,
I have my eye on a young man at work and wondered what would be the best way to dress to attract his attention. Would stark naked be too forward? Of course, I’m being silly, as it wouldn’t conform with the company’s dress code and I’d get fired. But is there any way to jazz up my standard blazer, blouse and skirt to send him a visual signal?
Helena, Rochester

Dear Helena,
This is difficult as you are working under your company’s restrictions. To satisfy their requirements and attract your chap’s attention I would suggest wearing the skirt on your head, the blouse round your waist and the blazer on your feet.

Dear Willie,
Several moths ago our son informed us that he intended to become a superhero when he reached adulthood. He has spent the past few weeks desperately trying to be bitten by a radioactive spider, but they are in short supply around our area. When he complained to me I informed him that some so-called superheroes, such as Batman, had no superpowers at all and had achieved by hard work and discipline. He has agreed to follow this course of action, but now needs a character or logo to base his crime-fighting career on. Can you suggest anything?
Tina, Tampa

Dear Tina,
What you forgot to inform your son was that Bruce Wayne, aka Batman, was a multi-millionaire which allowed him the freedom to train himself up as a superhero. My advice to your son would be, in the first place, to make himself incredibly wealthy. He could then call himself Incredibly Wealthy Man. With his money he could hire hundreds of crime fighters to roam the city and give the criminals what they deserve.

Dear Willie,
I am part of an international gang which smuggles marzipan to Turkmenistan, where it is illegal. I am the gang’s ‘mule’ and carry the marzipan, usually 1 lb, suitably wrapped in plastic, within a body cavity to allow me to pass through customs. However, our gang chief, Banjo Trevalyn, lost a lot in a poker game recently and needs to recoup his losses quickly. He has suggested that I take a consignment of 480 lbs of marzipan, worth at least $1.4 million in street value, on my next trip. I find the thought of shoving this quantity of any substance up my ‘cavity’ to be somewhat disturbing. Can you suggest an alternative? Please remember that Banjo has a foul temper, and a big stick.
Fingers, Detroit

Dear Fingers,
You must ask yourself this simple question, which do you fear more, 480 lbs of marzipan or Banjo’s big stick? Alternatively, inform Banjo that this quantity would flood the market, leading to a decrease in price and he obviously does not want that. In any case a Press Release from Turkmenistan Customs announces that their sniffer dogs can now search out marzipan so it seems that your career is over. This will probably come as a great relief to your ‘cavity’.

Wednesday, 23 December 2009

Binges & Bilingual

“Welcome again, readers, I am Willie, the Scottish Sage. I live on the banks of Loch Ness with my beautiful, young, wife Sadie and attempt to solve all of your problems, whether they be personal, familial, sexual or whatever, by tapping into my vast knowledge of ancient Scottish wisdom and lore. Feel free to consult me at willie@scriptschool.co.uk Welcome to Willie’s Wisdom.”

Dear Willie,
When we first married my husband asked me not to wear underwear around the house, a request I acceded to. Later, he asked me to refrain from wearing underwear when we went out on social occasions as he said this gave him a certain ‘thrill’ and again I complied. However, he has now asked me to stop wearing underwear at work, and I think this is a step too far, expecting me to go commando constantly. Can you point me towards a way of keeping my panties on while not upsetting my husband? I am a lingerie model.
Fifi, Sao Paolo

Dear Fifi,
At first I was naturally upset at your husband condemning you to hypothermia of the buttocks, but on reflection I see that his demands are not only unreasonable but unenforceable. At home and on social occasions he is present to check on your lack of underclothing but I assume he is not present when you are at work, where you can don your underwear. Be sure to rub your bottom with ice cubes and complain about the cold when he comes home from work to maintain the illusion.

Dear Willie,
My husband has a ‘binge’ personality. He binge drinks and eats, but these don’t bother me as his benders usually leave him feeling unwell and so he suffers for his pleasures. But he has now started binging on making love which means that I can get very little housework done during the weekends. Can you recommend a good mattress?
April, Sydney

Dear April,
You don’t really want me to recommend a good mattress, do you? We both know that any mattress that is fit to be slept on, is fit to make love on. I suspect, therefore, that you are just using me to inform your neighbours, that your husband and you are going at it like rabbits at the weekend. Enjoy.

Dear Willie,
This may seem personal, but what are your politics?
Joe, Penn.

Dear Joe,
I have no problem with revealing my political affiliations. I am proud to say that I am a confirmed Marxist and feel that Groucho would have made a fine president if he had not been seduced by the dark side of the force in the shape of Mrs Fluffy Claypool.

Dear Willie,
My assistant at work, Bernie, has really bad breath. In all other respects he is totally spick and span so I can’t really discipline him on his hygiene without invoking an employment tribunal. I also note that he doesn’t have a girlfriend and this is likely down to his breath. How can I let him know without appearing rude?
Bill, Boston

Dear Bill,
I am about to reveal to you a secret method of influencing people subliminally. You must march up to Bernie and in your loudest voice roar, “Your breath is disgusting!”
He will, no doubt, be shocked and enquire as to your reasons for this outburst. You will then reply that you have taken up amateur dramatics and were merely rehearsing a line from your upcoming production. He will have no option but to accept this, but you will have planted in his mind the seed of doubt about the reek of his breath. There is the secret - to be subliminal, you must shout.

Dear Willie,
My son is being bullied by bigger boys at school and I don’t know what to do about it as the bigger boys have fathers that are bigger than I am. Can you suggest anything?
Yuri, Lvov

Dear Yuri,
I would recommend that your son learn the Scottish martial art of No Kan Do which is remarkably easy to master. When confronted by opponents and challenged to fight your son must shout ‘No Kan Do’ and run away, thus saving himself from a beating. It worked for me and I can still do the 100 metres in 12 seconds.

Dear Willie,

My mother (pictured) has being going around telling everybody she is bisexual because she has learnt to speak Spanish at her evening classes. How can I tell her that she is, in fact, bilingual?
Rose, Cardiff

Dear Rose,
I think you’re making assumptions both about your mother’s comprehension and her sexuality. She may just be using the pretext of her bilingualism to trumpet her love for other women, only subtly. But tell your father to buy a bigger bed in case she gets too friendly with a Spanish woman.

Tuesday, 22 December 2009

“Welcome, readers, I am Willie, the Scottish Sage. I live on the banks of Loch Ness with my beautiful young wife Sadie and attempt to solve all of your problems, whether they be personal, familial, sexual or whatever, by tapping into my vast knowledge of ancient Scottish wisdom and lore. Feel free to consult me at willie@scriptschool.co.uk Welcome to Willie’s Wisdom.”

Dear Willie,
Are you the Scottish Willie who is saying that we French are ‘cheese eating surrender monkeys’? Merde, it is a lie! We French are the bravest of the brave and only have a Foreign Legion so that non-Frenchmen can have a chance to be as brave as us. Also it is not true that the avenues of Paris are lined with trees to shade the German soldiers as they march in. I despise you for your racism, it is the Italians who are cowards.
Jean Paul Chapeau, Marseille

Dear Jean Paul,

Non, non, mon ami, I am not the Willie you refer to. That one is Groundskeeper Willie from The Simpsons TV documentary. We are only distantly related, and that through intercourse, as my father had a fling with his aunty in days gone by. I, myself, have a great respect for the martial capabilities of the French, especially your heavyweight boxing champion, Maurice Chevalier.

Dear Willie,
Last night I got drunk and fell against a table and broke my wife’s favourite antique Ming vase. Now she says I either must stop drinking, or she'll leave me. what should I do?
Anonymous, USA

Dear Anonymous,
The only way to maintain a healthy relationship is through intense denial. Deny that you got drunk, deny that you fell against the table and deny that you broke the vase.
Never admit to anything. You were not drunk, you were concussed as you’d been struck by a small meteorite; you did not fall against a table, that was the dog; and you did not break the vase, that was a KGB assassin’s bullet which narrowly missed you and saved your wife from life as a widow. The more creative you can be, the better.
Us liars is brilliant.

Dear Willie,
My wife has a very large bottom, which is excellent as I really like large bottoms. Unfortunately her friends have made her very self-conscious about it and she is threatening to go on a diet and take up keep-fit in order to reduce it from its current perfection. How can I convince her to keep it titanic?
Botty Bob, Burnley

Dear Bob,
I’m afraid that I can’t help you with this one as I feel your wife should lose weight for health reasons. However, there is no reason why you cannot enjoy your wife having a huge bottom when you are in the privacy of your own home. Simply have her stuff a large firm pillow into the rear of her undies as she moves around the house. You may have to experiment to find the right size and consistency, but feel free to grab a handful to confirm satisfaction as she passes.

Dear Willie,
Our son (9) has told us that he wishes to be a Klingon warrior when he grows up. We have tried telling him that Klingons are only fictional characters, but he is inspired by their bravery and honour and is very stubborn. His alternative choice is ladies hairdresser and my husband won’t hear of that. Any suggestions?
Wilma, Manitoba

Dear Wilma,
Klingon hairdressers are renowned throughout the quadrant for their skills and I think you should encourage your son in his ambitions. Even though we do not yet have warp drive, which will limit your son’s scope, there must be many female Star Trek fans who could do with having their hair done. Kapla, young man.

Dear Willie,
I am having great trouble maintaining a healthy complexion. How can I have the smooth skin I crave?
Loretta, Tamworth

Dear Loretta,
I have a sure-fire way of achieving and maintaining a beautiful complexion. First, take three soft boiled eggs. Mash these up and place them in a mixing bowl. Add two tablespoons of natural yoghurt and mix. Add the juice of eight oranges and a splash of English mustard. Mix thoroughly and transfer to a Tupperware bowl. Seal securely. Now take the bowl into the nearest field and throw it as far as you can. Retrieve it and repeat 24 times. This will give you fresh air and exercise, which is all you need for lovely skin.

Dear Willie,
I’d like to change my name as I think it’s rather boring, only I can’t decide what to change it into. Friends and family have made various suggestions (some of them quite rude) but I just cannot settle on something that would suit me. I’ve decided to consult you because I respect your immense wisdom.
Jack Newhouse, Birmingham

Dear Jack,
Thank you for the compliment. I don’t think you need to change your name at all, but merely translate it into Italian, in which case you will be Giacomo Casanova.

Monday, 21 December 2009


“I am Willie, the Scottish Sage. I live on the banks of Loch Ness with my beautiful young wife Sadie and attempt to solve all of your problems, whether they be personal, familial, sexual or whatever, by tapping into my vast knowledge of ancient Scottish wisdom and lore. Feel free to consult me at willie@scriptschool.co.uk Welcome to Willie’s Wisdom.”

Dear Willie,
My husband has recently read the Kama Sutra and thinks we should indulge in some of the more esoteric sexual positions it recommends. I was okay with the Congress of the Bull and the Congress of the Goat but the Congress of the Snake gives me sore shoulders. Any suggestions?
Carol, Cleveland

Dear Carol,
This is because snakes don’t have shoulders. You would have noticed this if you’d noted that you rarely see a snake wearing a shirt. Luckily Vatsayana, who wrote the oriental filth, had no knowledge of Australia or we would have been cursed with the Congress of the Kangaroo, which is taking things a hop too far.

Dear Willie,
I got married recently and my new wife has taken on laundry duties, including ironing. The problem is that she is putting a crease in my jeans. I was led to understand that a crease in your jeans was a secret signal that one was a homosexual.
I have nothing against homosexuals but I am not one and don’t want others thinking I am. Is it a secret signal or am I being paranoid?
Chris, Wyoming

Dear Chris,
It’s no’ much o’ a homsexualist secret if you know about it. However, creases in jeans are not a signal that you are gay but creases in underpants are, and if someone has got you down to your underpants the chances are that you are, at the very least, curious.

Dear Willie,
Is it true that you can tell the size of a man’s feet by the size of his nose?
Shirley, NJ

Dear Shirley,
This is a common misconception, first promoted by the Hiaquachi Indians of British Columbia who had very large noses but very small feet. Neighbouring tribes believed that large feet equated to large male organs and The Hiaquachi started this rumour to try and attract mates. It was not greatly successful but kick-started the North American advertising industry.

Dear Willie,
I can’t find an alcoholic drink to suit me. Beer bags me up, I detest the taste of whisky and wine makes me retch. Can you suggest a drink I could actually enjoy?
Marty, Washington D.C.

Dear Marty,
The finest drink I know is vodka and lentil soup. This concoction is a meal in itself and lines your stomach as you imbibe. It’s not available in shops so you’ll have to mix it yourself, but even canned soup will do. Slainthe!

Dear Willie,
I recently got married to a wonderful man but have discovered that he wears old-fashioned, striped, pyjamas to bed. Is this normal practice in this day and age, what with central heating?
Gladys, Cornwall

Dear Gladys,
No, I don’t think pyjamas are necessary for heating purposes. But your husband is obviously a shy person and doesn’t want to reveal his manly torso to you in case it makes you blush. Over time, perhaps 10 years or so, he might reveal a little more and I’m sure it will be well worth the wait. Alternatively you could hide his pyjama cord and achieve your aims with the assistance of gravity.

Dear Willie,I have an irrational fear of being kidnapped by aliens. I wouldn’t mind if they were like Mr Spock as I believe Vulcans would make excellent ballroom dancers, which is one of my abiding interests. But I am incredibly scared of the large greys with their huge eyes and anal probes. What can I do to alleviate this phobia?
Mrs Slatterley, Ilfracombe
Dear Mrs Slatterley,
As with many things that scare us, the only way to conquer this fear is to face up to it. I would suggest that you have your husband dress up as a large grey alien and do to you what you fear large grey aliens would do to you. If he does this with kindness and consideration your fear will disappear and when the event does occur you can face it with a smile on your face.

Friday, 18 December 2009


“I am Willie, the Scottish Sage. I live on the banks of Loch Ness with my beautiful young wife Sadie and attempt to solve all of your problems, whether they be personal, familial, sexual or whatever, by tapping into my vast knowledge of ancient Scottish wisdom and lore. Feel free to consult me at willie@scriptschool.co.uk Welcome to Willie’s Wisdom.”

Dear Willie,
My husband has asked me to perform a sexual act with him which involves me removing my nightdress. I find the thought of this totally repulsive and never imagined that I had married a man with such perverse desires. He never expressed a desire to see me naked while we were courting, but now I find him trying to peek at me in the bath and trying to look up my skirt while I’m watching TV. I’m sure this change in behaviour is down to a change in diet as I’ve recently been encouraging him to eat more fish. Do you think he would stop his disgusting demands if I returned to feeding him red meat seven days a week?
Catriona, Lyons

Dear Catriona,
The mystery of what women hide under their clothing has tormented men since time immemorial and is understandable. To satisfy your husband’s curiosity you must surf porn sites on the web, no matter how distasteful you might find this, and find a woman whose body closely resembles yours. You can then point your husband in the direction of this hussy and inform your husband that you look like that. The red meat is a good idea though, and I would recommend venison as that will turn him into an absolute deer.

Dear Willie,
I am an aspiring actor. I need your advice on which great actors’ to study, as I have half a mind to feature in a TV soap opera.
Larry, Carlisle

Dear Larry,
That’s all you’ll need.

Dear Willie,
I have invented a time machine and I can prove this as I am writing this tomorrow and you will receive it yesterday. If you want to join me on a jaunt to the 28th century, come round to my house at (address deleted) last week, Thursday. Please bring a large amount of cotton wool (about 5 kilos) as this is what fuels my time machine, and I am low on funds.
Pete, Penn.

Dear Pete,
I am afraid I must decline your invitation as I am polishing my hedgehog last week. If you are low on funds, travel one day into the future and check the racing results. A wise bet when you return should ensure your fortune.

Dear Willie,
I have a zit the size of a planet on my nose. I am going out with a lovely girl and she has never mentioned it, though she does give me the occasional funny look. But I just know that one day, while kissing her, my zit will burst and drown her in pus. What can I do?
Dave, Honolulu

Dear Dave,
There is a simple answer, find a different girlfriend. Girls who wear spectacles are notoriously short-sighted and won’t even notice your zit. If your new girlfriend should spot it (pun intended), simply tell her that it is your friend’s pet zit and you are looking after it while he is away.

Dear Willie,
You must help me. My husband and I are divorced and now, in my hour of need, my bosoms have deserted me. They were always my pride and joy and were always a source of attraction to my admirers. But now they are drooping and saggy and I fear I shall never find another man. I have tried support bras and would consider plastic surgery only I’m allergic to anaesthetics. What can I possibly do?
Simone, Alaska

Dear Simone,
Not all men are attracted to large, firm, upstanding, boobies. Some men, in fact, prefer quite flat-chested women. You, therefore, should not worry too much. My prescription for you is not to concentrate on the bodily parts that have failed you, but to seek out another area of attraction. What are your feet like?

Dear Willie,
We at NASA plan to put a Scotchman into orbit on the International Space Station soon as part of a medical experiment to investigate the effects of over-indulgence in alcohol on a weightless human. For instance, how can you tell if he’s drunk if he can’t fall over? Your name was put forward, but we are looking for the reactions of an average human being, and you are obviously far beyond that. In any case, that is not why I am contacting you. We, naturally, like to make our astronauts as comfortable as possible in the alien environment of space, and so we would request you to ask your wife, Sadie, for her recipe for haggis so that our future jockanaut can enjoy his usual diet.
Prof Braun, Washington

Dear Prof,
Delighted to be able to help. Here is the recipe:-
1 sheep's stomach bag
1 sheep's pluck - liver, lungs and heart
3 onions
250g beef Suet
150g oatmeal
salt and black pepper
a pinch of cayenne
150mls of stock/gravy

Clean the stomach bag thoroughly and soak overnight. In the morning turn it inside out. Wash the pluck and boil for 1.5 hours, ensuring the windpipe hangs over the pot allowing drainage of the impurities. Mince the heart and lungs and grate half the liver.
Chop up the onions and suet. Warm the oatmeal in the oven. Mix all the above together and season with the salt and pepper. Then add the cayenne. Pour over enough of the pluck boiled water to make the mixture watery. Fill the bag with the mixture until it's half full. Press out the air and sew the bag up. Boil for 3 hours without the lid on. Serve with neeps and tatties.

Sadie says it would be an awful palaver to cook one in a space station and has volunteered to make one for you. But be warned, Sadie’s haggis give you terrible wind and your chap might have to leave the windows open.

Thursday, 17 December 2009


It occurs to me that as my earlier posts go to the bottom of the page, new readers will be somewhat confused as to what Willie’s Wisdom is all about. So as not to make them feel like strangers, I will now be supplying this short introductory paragraph to all my posts-

“I am Willie, the Scottish Sage. I live on the banks of Loch Ness with my beautiful young wife Sadie and attempt to solve all of your problems, whether they be personal, familial, sexual or whatever, by tapping into my vast knowledge of ancient Scottish wisdom and lore. Feel free to consult me at willie@scriptschool.co.uk Welcome to Willie’s Wisdom.”

Dear Willie,
About four months ago, I let my husband talk me into doing “the Nasty". Now he pesters me all the time to do it again. How often is normal for a married couple to do "the nasty'?
Bernadette, Tuskaloosa.

Dear Bernadette,
It is NEVER normal for a married couple to do "the nasty". See if you can talk him into sexual intercourse instead, you might like that better.
Good luck, Willie

Dear Willie,
Are you any good with electrics? I’ve been trying to put up a light fitting all day and it’s driving me nuts. The lights go on when I disconnect them and stay dim when I power them up. Help me before I am forced into installing gas lighting.
Gurmeet, Glasgow

Dear Gurmeet,
My, my, you have got yourself into a fankle, but relax yourself, for I am a master of the electric beastie. To make the electricals work you must first pray to the great God, Power Company, and sacrifice huge amounts of cash to it. Having done this you will have no home left and will not require electric power and your problem will therefore be solved. Cave living is becoming very popular these days and they can be lit and heated very adequately if your cave is situated above an oil field.

Dearest Willie,

This may seem silly,
But I need to know,
Is it proper,
To ride a chopper,
On a Tuesday eve?
My dear girl Janet,
Says no’s her call,
She fears that I will fall,
But I have told her,
I am a soldier,
And know no fear at all.

Pete the Poet, San Francisco

Dear Pete,
I’m no poet,
And I know it,
But ride your bike,
Whene’er you like.

Dear Willie,
I think your column is extremely silly. You do not offer sound, sensible, advice as behoves a mature man with your wide experience, but rely on humour and wit to entertain rather than facing up to the many problems that ail humankind. Would it not be better if you cast aside this clownish aspect and dedicated yourself to a sober appraisal of the many difficulties that your readers encounter?
Mrs Ticklemybottom, Utah

Dear Mrs Ticklemybottom,
I stand by my credo, humous is the best medicine.

Dear Willie,
My wife has run away with an insurance salesman but the company will still not pay out for the fire that destroyed my house. When that occurred my wife ran away with a fireman. Previous to that the insurance company would not pay out for our house being burgled, the occasion when Mildred ran off with the investigating police officer.
I had no need to require redress from them when she ran off with a sewage engineer as the fault was entirely my own. Newspapers do not flush well down a toilet. I knew when I married her that Mildred had an adventurous nature and to date she has run off with other men 38 times, but usually only stays with them for a few weeks. How can I stop her coming back?
Calvin, Vermont

Dear Calvin,
You’re not using your head at all, at all, my man. You know, deep in your heart, that you can never change Mildred’s flighty nature and that she will run off with the next man that crosses her path. Plan ahead, therefore, and move house the next time she goes roaming. With any luck she might stay put with the next occupier of your house and you will get peace.

Dear Willie,
My husband went to work three weeks ago and has never returned home. That’s 21 wasted dinners I’ve cooked. He has just disappeared. What can I do?
Glenda, Coventry

Dear Glenda,
Phone Calvin above, who will shortly be in need of a good woman.

Dear Willie,
I have met a girl and fallen madly in love with her. She has the face of an angel, a really sweet nature and is suitably pneumatic. The problem is that she is, how shall I put it, rather hirsute down below. This came as a shock, when I first discovered it, as she’s not French or anything. How can I tell her that it’s not fashionable to be so encumbered in this day and age.
Wilbur, Peoria

Dear Wilbur,
What you need, my boy, is the Acme Bushmaster Model V3000. This is not, as you might think, any kind of electric razor, but a whip with which to tame unruly bushes which can harbour all kinds of wildlife. Alvin Tootle’s wife, Seraphim, kept a monkey in hers for years and he never once suspected.