Welcome again, my dear troubled friends. Once again I, Willie, the Scottish Sage, am here to help you out with my incredible wisdom. There is no facet of the human condition that I cannot give you sound advice on and that’s a promise. Send your problems to me at willie@scriptschool.co.uk. And great news for all you troubled folk, Willie’s Wisdom will now be appearing on an internet near you TWICE a week. So, abandon hope, despair! Incidentally, my interview last week has fair got you interested in my personal life. So, as a wee treat, I’m letting you have a look at where I live.
If you look carefully in the upstairs window,
you'll just manage to see the wife, Sadie, having her annual enema.
But on with the show.
SAGE SCHOOL
Dear Willie,I wish to be a sage, the same as what you are yourself. I will bill myself as Sven the Swedish Sage, even though I am actually Norwegian. I promise not to go into competition with you because I am a much younger man and do not have your years of experience, but any advice you could give me would be gratefully received.
Sven, Oslo
Dear Sven,
No problem, pal, I welcome competition. To become a sage you obviously have to go to sage school and I hope there’s one locally as distance learning sagacity is a definite no-no. It is a long and arduous process, learning to be a sage, and often requires years of training and eating fish. You will need to learn from yoga masters, zen masters and master bakers. This is not a profession for the weak of heart or soft of head, Sven, but I wish you well.
Willie
Ps- I have seen The Heroes of Telemark 18 times.
SOCCER
Dear Willie,As a Scotsman you are no doubt interested in football. Who, from the great pantheon of Scottish players such as Dalglish, Baxter, Johnstone and Sounness, is the greatest player you have ever seen?
Robin, Prague
Dear Robin,
I never actually saw him, but my grandfather claimed the greatest player he ever saw was M.K. Gandhi and he did, in fact, play alongside him with our local amateur side, the Loch Ness Monsters. Sceptics may argue that it is unlikely the Indian spiritual leader ever played in a small Scottish team, but the facts are that while studying law in London, Gandhi came to Scotland on a touring holiday and was invited to play with the Monsters. My father said he was a naturally talented winger with great ball control. However rumours that he based his theories of passive resistance on Scottish football are probably untrue.
Willie
LIAR
Dear Willie,I am a very good liar and my family and friends think I should use this skill to become a writer of fiction. Unfortunately my spelling and grammar are not very good. Any ideas on how I could improve them?
Rolf, Vienna
Dear Rolf,
Why bother? Become a politician instead.
Willie
HYPNOTISM
Dear Willie,My wife went to see a hypnotist to help her lose weight. This was successful and she lost the 10 lbs she had put on in the three years since we married. There has, however, been a side-effect to this treatment, and she is now infatuated with hypnotists. It has got to the point where she won’t go to bed with me unless I wave a pocket watch in front of her face. Can you help?
Tim, Oxford
Dear Tim,
This is a common problem as hypnotists often slip in a subliminal message when they’ve got you into a trance. This chap obviously fancied your wife and was trying to make a move on her. I would suggest (a) punching him on the nose and (b) tattooing a watch face onto your forehead.
Willie
PEARL HARBOR
Dear Willie,What do you think of the American political and financial position towards Japan prior to Pearl Harbor?
Bobbi, Atlanta
Dear Bobbi,
Nice try, but ye have to do your history homework yourself.
Willie
SURGEON
Dear Willie,We have a problem with sanitary arrangements in our household since we decided to share our bath water in an effort to save energy. The problem lies in who should get to use the bath water first, when it is clean. Naturally, as a gentleman, I should insist that my wife takes precedence, but the nature of our jobs precludes this. I am a brain surgeon and she is a car mechanic. The thought of putting my almost sterile body into her filthy, greasy, bathwater repulses me and worries me in case I carry germs back to my patients. My wife, however, is insisting on ladies first. Could you suggest a compromise?”
Miguel, San Lobo
Dear Miguel,
You seem to be working under the misapprehension that your job is somehow more important than your wife’s, which is an utter nonsense, amigo. Human beings can function perfectly adequately with only half a brain whereas half a car is useless junk. So let your wife get washed and back under a Ford as soon as possible so we can keep the planet moving.
Willie
