SEX FREQUENCY & WIFE SWAPPING

Oh we’re fair motoring with the advice now, my wee chums and I may soon have to post this blog thing to you daily just to keep up with an inbox that is bulging more than my sporran. Couple of things to mention; your requests for advice should be sent to willie@scriptschool.co.uk and I cannot give personal replies. Oh, and there are still people badgering me for personal information. I must admit it tickles my ego a wee bit but I have no interest in being a personality or celebrity, just a humble Scottish Sage. However, I’ve no objection to posting a wee photograph from my collection now and again, so here’s a picture of my wife, Sadie.

SEX FREQUENCY

Dear Willie,
How often should a married couple (17 years) make love? Berenice and I normally manage once a week, but she insist her friends are doing it much more often, but I find this hard to believe. Jocelyn is buck-toothed and Eva lacks girly bumps, so I don’t see their husbands being too keen on their conjugals. Anyway, Berenice thinks we should be at it like knives but I am afraid I might hurt my knees. What do you suggest would be a suitable frequency?
Roland, Alice Springs

Dear Roland,
The frequency of conjugals is always a hard call as women have many calls on their time, like knitting quiche etc. However, as it is Berenice that is making these demands of you I can only assume that she has time on your hands, in which case I would suggest that you get a young, handsome, gardener. He could deal with Berenice’s carnal needs and also do your garden (thus further saving your knees) as he would not want you to suspect that he was doing what you had hired him to do. I hope this makes sense. Murdo McLachlan, Sadie’s cousin, is looking for work at the moment and is willing to travel, but I think he was thinking more in terms of Edinburgh than Australia.
Willie

MOUSTACHE

Dear Willie,
I am thinking of entering politics and think I should grow a moustache to make me look more distinguished. What is your view?
Doris, Pennsylvania

Dear Doris,
Obviously, by looking at my portrait above you will see that I am in complete agreement with you. A moustache does certainly lend a gentleman an air of authority. Your problem lies in the fact that you are not a gentleman but, not to put too fine a point on it, a lady. Ladies with moustaches are not generally regarded seriously and I believe you may be making a major error with regard to facial hair, as it rarely suits a female face. But if you are not to be dissuaded please do avoid any type of hormone drugs which encourage hair growth as they are not area specific. I doubt a woman with a hairy chest would get far in politics, never mind the real world. If all else fails a false moustache may be the only answer.
Willie

WIFE SWAPPING

Dear Willie,
My husband and I have always had an open marriage but now my husband, Toby, has suggested that we engage in wife swapping , rather than finding extra-marital partners individually. The problem is that he wishes to swap with George and Cynthia Parland and I totally detest George, whereas hubby has always had the hots for Cynthia. I would much rather swap with Norman and Cathy Belmont as Norman is a dish, but Toby has already had it off with Cathy, at the Christmas party last year. He did not enjoy the occasion as Cathy tends to snort when in the throes of passion and Toby found it to be terribly off-putting and does not want a repeat performance. We both fancy Rick and Yolanda Barbour but they are devout Hindus and do not approve of wife swapping, so they’re out. George Trumbull obviously has the hots for me as he stuck his hand up my skirt at a barbeque last week and I am tempted as Toby copped a feel of George’s wife, Denise too. Unfortunately Denise went all prudish and called the police and there was a bit of a scene. Luckily I got the phone number of the handsome young cop who arrested Toby, a guy called Andy, so some good came out of the fiasco. Toby admitted to me that he had made love with his cell mate while in jail and feels he may be bisexual, which is appalling as I’m not, so he may get more fun than me and might even steal my boyfriends. Anyway, to get to the question I wanted to ask you, are there any swingers in Scotland, as we’re thinking of going to your cute little country on vacation?
Ginger, LA

Dear Ginger,
Scotland is a veritable carnival of carnality with swapping and swinging going on left, right and centre. You can’t step out of the door without tripping over rutting couples. Why only last week, Old Archie, swapped his Russian war bride, Svetlana, for a bag of onions and a copy of Rubber Spanking. He got the best part of the deal, believe me.
Willie

MINING

Dear Willie,
My husband has given up a perfectly good job as a merchant banker and says he wants to return to his father’s working-class roots by becoming a coal miner. How low can he sink?
Charlotte, Windsor

Dear Charlotte,
Depends what pit he gets a job in.
Willie

LOST

Dear Willie,
My English she no very good so you understand maybe no. I look for girl, top quality big bosoms I meeting on holydays. She love me very much and I also. I come your country find her for wedding and give her babies but only knowing name no addressing or telephoning numbers. Her name Suzanne she blonde. I love her very very mucho, Willie, please helping me.
Rodrigo, c/o Palace Hotel, Hamiliton

Dear Roddy,
Nae bother, sonny boy. The lassie you’re looking for is Suzanne Roberts, 48 Bellevue Park Court, Paisley and her phone number is 0141 177 90999, but she doesn’t want to see you because of the incident with the Bacardi Breezer and the cowbell, so you might want to cancel the wedding plans.
Willie

ASSASSINATION

Dear Willie,
I have private health insurance with an international company, but they are refusing to assassinate my wife. Her constant nagging gives me a headache and as far as I am concerned that is a medical matter that they should deal with. Do you think I should take legal action to make them face up to their responsibilities.
Neil, BC

Dear Neil,
No, no, lad, for God’s sake have a sense of proportion, you mustn’t be having the poor woman assassinated. Either buy a pair of ear plugs or use the time honoured Scottish method of dealing with a nagging wife, tell her to ‘Shut yer face!’
Willie

Panties & Sexuality

Hello, yet again, my problem pals, Willie here with his mountains of wisdom to lighten your load. I can proudly declare that there is no problem I cannot resolve. Take my challenge, send your problems to willie@scriptschool.co.uk and I will resolve them in the twinkling of an eye with my exclusive access to centuries of Scottish lore.

PANTIES

Dear Willie,
I recently met a chap and subsequently, as it was my birthday, he bought me a gift. I was shocked to find that the present was a pair of edible panties. What does this mean?
Shania, Az

Dear Shania,
It seems perfectly obvious to me. This chap obviously works as a salesman for an edible underwear company and has given you these pants as an inducement to buy his products. Do not make any hasty decisions, but demand to see his entire range. I must admit that I am not very knowledgeable about edible clothing, so perhaps you could answer a question for me. Do you eat them before wearing them or wear them after eating them?
Willie

PRAISE

Dear Willie,
Forgive me for writing to you as I don’t actually have a problem. But I just wanted to let you know that you and your work are greatly appreciated and that you are a credit to the human race.
Siobhan, Donegal

Dear Siobhan,
Och, away ye go ya blether. I’m just an ordinary chap trying to help out his fellow human beings with a few words of infallible wisdom whilst I’m not feeding the goats or shearing the geese on the banks of Loch Ness.
Willie

SEXUALITY

Dear Willie, I hope you can help me. I am a teenage boy and I am a bit confused about my sexuality. I really enjoy stage musicals and this makes me think I may be gay. How can I be sure?
Cecil, Las Vegas

Dear Cecil,
You are at a very delicate stage and decisions you make now will affect the rest of your life, so you must be sure that what you decide is correct for you. A liking for Barbra Streisand is no basis on which to set your entire sexual future; you must look for other signs. Do you enjoy biting pillows and dropping the soap in communal showers? It is little things like that which will ensure that you will enjoy hanging around leather bars with large tattooed and moustachioed men called Leroy.
Willie

GLOBAL WARMING

Dear Willie,
If you are so smart, what is your answer to global warming?
Chris, Colorado

Dear Chris,
I am not entirely convinced that global warming is caused by human activity. I instinctively dislike people who cry wolf and we just don’t have the evidence that global temperature doesn’t vary over time from natural causes. However, I think we must all do everything we can to manage our planet sensibly and therefore detest the current fashion for cremation which undoubtedly releases some unsavoury characters into the atmosphere, as well as heat. Bury the buggers, I say, in the good Earth, where they can provide a decent meal for some worms and contribute something to the planet, rather than disappearing in a cloud of smoke.
Willie

FINE LOOKING

Dear Willie,
I am thinking of having plastic surgery as I cannot find a man to make my very own. It’s very obvious, as you can see from my photograph, that I am not an attractive woman, but my friends are giving me a lot of grief about this. Please confirm that I am ugly and need plastic surgery so that I can go under the knife with confidence.
Sandra, Cardiff

LOOKS

Dear Sandra,
You are an attractive woman and all you lack is self-confidence. By way of an experiment I took your photograph down to my local pub, The Horny Goat, and asked the opinion of my cronies there. To a man they said you were a damn fine-looking woman and they would be proud to take you to wife. In fact, Fergus McEnroy, said he was prepared to offer three sheep and a small Land Rover to your father for the right to marry you. But he has not been well since his last bout of snake flu. Be proud, lady, and men will fall at your feet.
Willie

CLEAN

Dear Willie,
My wife insists on taking a shower every morning and a bath in the evening. Surely this is taking cleanliness a step too far? My wife counter argues that I am just a filthy man, but I insist that anybody in a non-manual job need only bathe once every few days. Which one of us is right?
Rodney, Singapore

Dear Rod,
Personal hygiene is just that, personal. What suits one person need not, necessarily, suit another. I, for instance, plunge into Loch Ness fully-clothed once a week and feel immeasurably better for it. Funnily enough this usually happens on the day I get my pension cheque and go to The Horny Goat to celebrate.
Willie