Roads & Monsters

Well, my Sadie has shown her sense of humour this post, and no doubt, but I forgive her for she's a lovely lass.  Willie, the Scottish Sage, here again to help you with all your problems.

 RHINO

Dear Willie,
I have a problem. The latch on the back door is broken and the cat is getting out and annoying the rhino. Please fix it.
Sadie, Loch Ness

Dear Sadie,
In just a wee minute, my fine lass, just as soon as I’ve solved these few problems.
Willie

OTHER WOMEN

Dear Willie,
I have incontrovertible proof that my husband has been seeing other women (see pic).

Some days he sees several women and I think there are quite a few women at his work that he sees regularly. I love him and I thought he loved me. How can I stop him seeing other women?
Violet, Penn.

Dear Violet,
Your husband seems to be a vile philanderer and as you know seeing invariably leads to looking and God only knows where it may end. Your challenge, it seems to me, is to make yourself so attractive that your husband only has eyes for you. Basques, stockings and thongs are useful tools where these matters are concerned and are particularly efficacious in supermarkets and during church visits.
Willie

ROADS

Dear Willie,
How many roads must a man walk down, before you can call him a man?
Bob, USA

Dear Bob,
Three.
Willie

FEAR OF FLYING

Dear Willie,
I am terrified of flying and have now found that I absolutely must take a flight to visit my daughter in Australia who has just given me a grandchild. What can I do to conquer this fear?
Mrs Lobo, Penrith

Dear Mrs Lobo,
As with most fears, they can only be overcome by taking things gradually. I would suggest standing on a chair for lengthy periods to start with. The flight from England to Australia takes approximately 12 hours, so that should be enough. Then, in slow stages, you increase the height you can tolerate. The top of the wardrobe would be a good next step. Try jumping onto the bed to get the feeling of actually flying. You will find it quite exhilarating. Soon you will be doing barrel rolls, and when you can achieve this, you will be ready for your first long-distance flight.
Willie

MONSTER

Dear Willie,
I bet you are asked this all the time, due to your location, but is there actually a Loch Ness monster?
Phil, Bermuda

Dear Phil,
I can categorically state that there is no Loch Ness monster, there are actually 283 and to describe them as monsters is something of a misnomer. They are reptiles, related to and descended from dinosaurs, though they have never been classified. Their outstanding feature is their sense of humour.
Willie

BANK ACCOUNTS

Dear Willie,
I am Mr George Nduka, Vice President of the Nigerian National Bank. For many years I have been trying to give many millions of US dollars to lucky people in the west, but they choose to ignore my generosity. They claim that I am spamming them and only wish to scam them for their bank details. This is totally untrue and I have the fraud convictions to prove this. You are a wise man, my good friend, Willie, and I am sure that you can see that I am an honest man. You offer advice and I offer cold hard cash, which in many cases can solve problems, so that you see we are essentially brothers on the same mission to help. Please send me your bank details.
George, Abuja

Dear George,
You sound like a wonderful man to me and I am proud to call you my brother and would be proud to give you my bank details if I only had one. I keep all my cash in a box under my bed and Direct Debit payments consist of Sadie slapping me on the head once a month and telling me to pay the bills.
Willie

Merry Xmas

Santa & Goldfish

Well, I've been neglecting my chores and Sadie has gone unkissed, but I have been determined to catch up with the backlog of problems which have been gathering in my Inbox. The life of a Scottish Sage, solving the problems of the world, is not an easy one and I accept my fate with quiet dignity. That and a cold supper from my lovely wife. Read on and benefit from my immense wisdom, dear friends ...

BEST LOVERS

Dear Willie,
My friends and I were discussing which nationality of men make the best lovers. Rosetta said her Luigi was the tops, but Gitte claimed her man, Christian was amazing. With this level of national pride we were obviously never going to get a consensus. The only way to get an unbiased opinion was going to be ask somebody who has no national loyalties, but such a woman doesn’t exist. It was my friend, Rosemary, who suggested that I consult you, as she has been a great fan of yours and respects your immense wisdom. So, Willie, which men make the best lovers?

Rita, NY


Dear Rita,
Strictly speaking, the Japanese make the best lovers. They are made of plastic and run on batteries, but are not very good conversationalists. Following them are the Scots, and this does not display national pride on my part, but an acceptance of reality as I personally know many of these chaps. The legendary Kinky MacDoohan could get a woman pregnant through a brick wall; Hugh Jorgen could give a woman an orgasm just by looking at her and Mungo MacDonut could woo a woman without moving his lips. Show me another nation that could boast such heroes?
Willie

SANTA

Dear Willie,
What would you say is the best way to tell my son, Sam, that Santa Claus doesn’t exist? Obviously I don’t want to hurt him or cause any trauma, but I think the time has finally come when he should know the truth. He always looks forward to Christmas and it is a joy to see his adorable little face as he writes his Christmas present list to be posted up the chimney, but both his father and I think that it is time he abandoned these childish fantasies. Sam is 43.
Jill, York


Dear Jill,
It is always more traumatic for the parents than the child to face the truth. Sam knows that Santa Claus exists because he is brought presents by him every year. It is of no use telling him that you yourselves supply these presents, as he knows that you are both miserable and mean-spirited people who wouldn’t buy him the X-Box when he asked for it. But, suddenly, come Christmas and his request to Santa, the X-Box suddenly appears. Ipso facto, Santa exists. Live with it.
Willie

CORPORAL PUNISHMENT

Dear Willie,
We cannot discipline our boys and they run wild terrorising the neighbourhood. What is your opinion on corporal punishment?
Terry, Washington


Dear Terry,
I don’t want to get into a lengthy debate on this subject, but suffice it to say that I believe that we should only resort to physical violence when it is totally unnecessary.
Willie

GOLDFISH

Dear Willie,
My daughter is demanding that I buy her a pony but has finally has come to accept that this is impractical as we live in an apartment block. She has now shifted her demands to a pet of any sort and doesn’t mind if it’s a dog, cat or hamster. What would you suggest?
Carlos, Madrid


Dear Carlos,
The best pet for a young lassie is a goldfish because of its many fine qualities. Your daughter could train it and goldfish are incredibly capable in following commands such as ‘Swim!’ and ‘Be Quiet!’. The lesser spotted Peruvian goldfish can even swim backwards, but only on Tuesdays. Unfortunately goldfish do not have a long lifespan and to avoid its demise causing your daughter distress I would recommend that you have it stuffed so that she can wear it as a brooch.
Willie

CARS

Dear Willie,
I don’t know if your wisdom, legendary though it is, stretches to automobiles. The thing is that we need to buy a new one and are unsure of which one to get. We are a family of four and require the car for commuting to work, the school run, weekend shopping and the occasional continental holiday. I know you don’t endorse products in your column but if you could suggest which type of car to go for it would be greatly appreciated.
Troy, Kent


Dear Troy,
The car you require doesn’t exist. All I can suggest is that you buy two different ones, one for local commuting and one for your longer trips, cut them in half and weld them together. This may seem like an expensive proposition but if you bring this new vehicle to market you may just make yourself a fortune.
Willie

PARTY DRESS

Dear Willie,
I am thinking of joining the Communist Party as I think that communism is due to be fashionable again. Unfortunately although I have blue and black above-the-knee party dresses, I do not have a Communist Party dress and none of the stores seem to stock them. Do you have any suggestions?
Barbara, Tx


Dear Barbara,
I think you should reappraise your new-found passion for communism as their parties are inevitably dull with endless discussions about the oppression of the proletariat which will no doubt bore a towering intellect such as yours. But to answer your question, any well-worn dress, dyed red, will do the job.
Willie