Hello, yet again, my problem pals, Willie here with his mountains of wisdom to lighten your load. I can proudly declare that there is no problem I cannot resolve. Take my challenge, send your problems to willie@scriptschool.co.uk and I will resolve them in the twinkling of an eye with my exclusive access to centuries of Scottish lore.
PANTIES
Dear Willie,I recently met a chap and subsequently, as it was my birthday, he bought me a gift. I was shocked to find that the present was a pair of edible panties. What does this mean?
Shania, Az
Dear Shania,
It seems perfectly obvious to me. This chap obviously works as a salesman for an edible underwear company and has given you these pants as an inducement to buy his products. Do not make any hasty decisions, but demand to see his entire range. I must admit that I am not very knowledgeable about edible clothing, so perhaps you could answer a question for me. Do you eat them before wearing them or wear them after eating them?
Willie
PRAISE
Dear Willie,Forgive me for writing to you as I don’t actually have a problem. But I just wanted to let you know that you and your work are greatly appreciated and that you are a credit to the human race.
Siobhan, Donegal
Dear Siobhan,
Och, away ye go ya blether. I’m just an ordinary chap trying to help out his fellow human beings with a few words of infallible wisdom whilst I’m not feeding the goats or shearing the geese on the banks of Loch Ness.
Willie
SEXUALITY
Dear Willie, I hope you can help me. I am a teenage boy and I am a bit confused about my sexuality. I really enjoy stage musicals and this makes me think I may be gay. How can I be sure?Cecil, Las Vegas
Dear Cecil,
You are at a very delicate stage and decisions you make now will affect the rest of your life, so you must be sure that what you decide is correct for you. A liking for Barbra Streisand is no basis on which to set your entire sexual future; you must look for other signs. Do you enjoy biting pillows and dropping the soap in communal showers? It is little things like that which will ensure that you will enjoy hanging around leather bars with large tattooed and moustachioed men called Leroy.
Willie
GLOBAL WARMING
Dear Willie,If you are so smart, what is your answer to global warming?
Chris, Colorado
Dear Chris,
I am not entirely convinced that global warming is caused by human activity. I instinctively dislike people who cry wolf and we just don’t have the evidence that global temperature doesn’t vary over time from natural causes. However, I think we must all do everything we can to manage our planet sensibly and therefore detest the current fashion for cremation which undoubtedly releases some unsavoury characters into the atmosphere, as well as heat. Bury the buggers, I say, in the good Earth, where they can provide a decent meal for some worms and contribute something to the planet, rather than disappearing in a cloud of smoke.
Willie
FINE LOOKING
Dear Willie,I am thinking of having plastic surgery as I cannot find a man to make my very own. It’s very obvious, as you can see from my photograph, that I am not an attractive woman, but my friends are giving me a lot of grief about this. Please confirm that I am ugly and need plastic surgery so that I can go under the knife with confidence.
Sandra, Cardiff
LOOKS
Dear Sandra,You are an attractive woman and all you lack is self-confidence. By way of an experiment I took your photograph down to my local pub, The Horny Goat, and asked the opinion of my cronies there. To a man they said you were a damn fine-looking woman and they would be proud to take you to wife. In fact, Fergus McEnroy, said he was prepared to offer three sheep and a small Land Rover to your father for the right to marry you. But he has not been well since his last bout of snake flu. Be proud, lady, and men will fall at your feet.
Willie
CLEAN
Dear Willie,My wife insists on taking a shower every morning and a bath in the evening. Surely this is taking cleanliness a step too far? My wife counter argues that I am just a filthy man, but I insist that anybody in a non-manual job need only bathe once every few days. Which one of us is right?
Rodney, Singapore
Dear Rod,
Personal hygiene is just that, personal. What suits one person need not, necessarily, suit another. I, for instance, plunge into Loch Ness fully-clothed once a week and feel immeasurably better for it. Funnily enough this usually happens on the day I get my pension cheque and go to The Horny Goat to celebrate.
Willie
