Tuesday 29 December 2009

Flirting & Etiquette

“Welcome, readers, I am Willie, the Scottish Sage. I live on the banks of Loch Ness with my beautiful, young, wife Sadie and attempt to solve all of your problems, whether they be personal, familial, sexual or whatever, by tapping into my vast knowledge of ancient Scottish wisdom and lore. Feel free to consult me at willie@scriptschool.co.uk Welcome to Willie’s Wisdom.”


FLIRTING
Dear Willie,
My boyfriend pays far too much attention to other girls when we go to parties together. He says he’s just flirting and it’s harmless, but I feel slighted and ignored. How can I get him to realise that if he truly loved me he should give me the attention I deserve?
Hannah, New Mexico

Dear Hannah,

There is only one way to solve this problem, but it is surefire and I can recommend it without fear of contradiction. The answer lies in magnets, and specifically electro-magnets as you want your boyfriend to come to your side when you want him and not be welded to you. Place a powerful electro-magnet, complete with battery, in your handbag, and a piece of steel in your boyfriend’s pocket. When you require his company, simply fire up your electro-magnet and he will be at your side in an instant.  (see picture)
Willie

ETIQUETTE
Dear Willie,
My girlfriend, Simplicity, and I have been courting for several months and she has now agreed to ‘give’ herself to me. This is a first for both of us and we are looking forward to it eagerly. However, we are unsure of the etiquette involved with such an event. Does one place an advertisement in The Times or play it low key?
Jerry, Kilburn

Dear Jerry,
This is an occasion which should be celebrated with as much gusto as you can manage. I would hire a brass band and a marquee if you expect a lot of spectators. Depending on the duration of the event, you might also have to provide catering and toilet facilities. I understand there are people who manage such events for a reasonable amount and you might want to hire one of these to allow you to concentrate on your arduous task. Also if you are in the least well-known, try to negotiate a healthy fee for the television rights.
Willie


MOON
Dear Willie,
As I respect your wisdom I am going to ask you a question that has tormented me for 50 years. Did man actually land on the moon?”
Fritz, Dresden

Dear Fritz,
Without a doubt, my friend, the Eagle did indeed land on the moon. Neil Armstrong, to whom I am distantly related, sent me a piece of moon rock as a memento and it was clearly stamped Made on the Moon.
Willie

DRESS CODE
Dear Willie,
I have my eye on a young man at work and wondered what would be the best way to dress to attract his attention. Would stark naked be too forward? Of course, I’m being silly, as it wouldn’t conform with the company’s dress code and I’d get fired. But is there any way to jazz up my standard blazer, blouse and skirt to send him a visual signal?
Helena, Rochester

Dear Helena,
This is difficult as you are working under your company’s restrictions. To satisfy their requirements and attract your chap’s attention I would suggest wearing the skirt on your head, the blouse round your waist and the blazer on your feet.
Willie

SUPERHERO
Dear Willie,
Several moths ago our son informed us that he intended to become a superhero when he reached adulthood. He has spent the past few weeks desperately trying to be bitten by a radioactive spider, but they are in short supply around our area. When he complained to me I informed him that some so-called superheroes, such as Batman, had no superpowers at all and had achieved by hard work and discipline. He has agreed to follow this course of action, but now needs a character or logo to base his crime-fighting career on. Can you suggest anything?
Tina, Tampa

Dear Tina,
What you forgot to inform your son was that Bruce Wayne, aka Batman, was a multi-millionaire which allowed him the freedom to train himself up as a superhero. My advice to your son would be, in the first place, to make himself incredibly wealthy. He could then call himself Incredibly Wealthy Man. With his money he could hire hundreds of crime fighters to roam the city and give the criminals what they deserve.
Willie

MARZIPAN
Dear Willie,
I am part of an international gang which smuggles marzipan to Turkmenistan, where it is illegal. I am the gang’s ‘mule’ and carry the marzipan, usually 1 lb, suitably wrapped in plastic, within a body cavity to allow me to pass through customs. However, our gang chief, Banjo Trevalyn, lost a lot in a poker game recently and needs to recoup his losses quickly. He has suggested that I take a consignment of 480 lbs of marzipan, worth at least $1.4 million in street value, on my next trip. I find the thought of shoving this quantity of any substance up my ‘cavity’ to be somewhat disturbing. Can you suggest an alternative? Please remember that Banjo has a foul temper, and a big stick.
Fingers, Detroit

Dear Fingers,
You must ask yourself this simple question, which do you fear more, 480 lbs of marzipan or Banjo’s big stick? Alternatively, inform Banjo that this quantity would flood the market, leading to a decrease in price and he obviously does not want that. In any case a Press Release from Turkmenistan Customs announces that their sniffer dogs can now search out marzipan so it seems that your career is over. This will probably come as a great relief to your ‘cavity’.
Willie