Tuesday, 5 January 2010

Armour & Bankers

“Welcome, readers, I am Willie, the Scottish Sage. I live on the banks of Loch Ness with my beautiful, young, wife Sadie and attempt to solve all of your problems, whether they be personal, familial, sexual or whatever, by tapping into my vast knowledge of ancient Scottish wisdom and lore. Feel free to consult me at willie@scriptschool.co.uk Welcome to Willie’s Wisdom.”

Dear Willie,
I am worried about my uncle Fred as he has been spotted in a gay bar by my friend Gay Bob. My Aunt Gwen would be devastated if she found out what he was up to, but I don’t know how to approach him about his sexuality. You may think this is none of my business but if Fred is gay it would destroy our family. If he is gay could you advise me on how to tell him not to be, or to be more discreet about his filthy habits?
Shelley, Swansea

Dear Shelley,
You seem to be assuming that Gwen doesn’t know about this side of Fred’s life. In fact, Fred confessed to his bisexual nature while they were still courting and Gwen saw his frequent ‘boy’s nights’ as a perfect opportunity to indulge her passion for online chess. Both parties are happy so, as you note, it’s none of your business.

Dear Willie,
The person who has moved in next door is a banker! What is the world coming to? How can these people, who have brought the entire world to ruins be allowed to live normal lives and move into nice neighbourhoods after the crimes against humanity they’ve committed. The worst part is that this thief and charlatan shows no shame or remorse and expects us to accept him as a normal person. He squanders his wealth on his vapid wife and pathetic children with vans delivering new goods they have purchased using our money on a daily basis. Who do I appeal to, to have this money-grubbing felon removed from our vicinity and placed in a secure facility.
Ryan, Duluth

Dear Ryan,
I think a modicum of Christian charity is required here. A banker, by his very nature, cannot help but steal people’s money. It is the way he was born. We must remember that banking is a crime and not a sin, because it was Man who created banks. Do not despise and reject this poor soul, but pray for him, that he may see the error of his ways. Either that, or burn him out.

Dear Willie

I have inherited a suit of armour from an English relative but have no idea what to do with it though I thought I might keep it and wear it to fancy dress parties. I’ve tried it on and it’s a little tight across the shoulders but can’t find a tailor willing to let it out a little. Short of setting about it with a can opener, what can I do?
Norm, Peoria

Dear Norm,
You are a lucky chap because what you’ve inherited is not just a suit of armour, but a ‘business in a can’ as you can not only wear the suit to fancy dress events yourself, but let it out to others, making yourself a tidy profit. To have it adjusted for size put it into your local body shop where you have the dents taken out of your car. Oil regularly and avoid rain.

Dear Willie,
My wife has never been hugely endowed in the bosom department and has been considering having breast enhancement for some time. She has the money as she received compensation for a work related accident involving a stuffed giraffe, but still won’t commit herself to the procedure. For myself, I couldn’t care either way, but I just wish she would stop dithering. Can you suggest anything?
Ben, Leeds

Dear Ben,
This is not something to be taken lightly and your wife’s decision will affect both of you, so I think you should both sit down and discuss this at length. My suggestion would be that she have one done to see if she is happy with the effect, before committing herself to giving you a handful.

Dear Willie,
I would like to become a snake charmer but don’t know where to begin. There don’t seem to be any schools listed in the Yellow Pages.
Alfred, Orlando

Dear Alf,
Before taking this too far I would check to see if you have any natural aptitude by visiting the Reptile House at your local zoo. Pick a snake you find attractive and attempt to charm it. If it finds you charming enough it will attempt to follow you and you can then contact Ranji Patel, the world’s premier snake charmer at the Ranji Patel Snake Charming Academy in New Delhi, India. He offers discounts for those with natural talent and their own turban.

Dear Willie,
My girlfriend is threatening to break up with me if I don’t stop pestering her for sex. We have been a couple for three years and I think it’s perfectly reasonable to take our relationship to the next level, but she feels that a minimum of five years is necessary to prove our undying love for each other before she can give herself to me. It’s not as if she’s a virgin, or anything. She has been married before and has three children. How can I get her to loosen up?
Al, Nebraska

Dear Al,
The answer to your question lies in your first sentence, you are ‘pestering her’ for sex. She is used to marital sex, where no pestering is necessary, merely a convenient horizontal surface.

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