It occurs to me that as my earlier posts go to the bottom of the page, new readers will be somewhat confused as to what Willie’s Wisdom is all about. So as not to make them feel like strangers, I will now be supplying this short introductory paragraph to all my posts-
“I am Willie, the Scottish Sage. I live on the banks of Loch Ness with my beautiful young wife Sadie and attempt to solve all of your problems, whether they be personal, familial, sexual or whatever, by tapping into my vast knowledge of ancient Scottish wisdom and lore. Feel free to consult me at willie@scriptschool.co.uk Welcome to Willie’s Wisdom.”
THE NASTY
Dear Willie,About four months ago, I let my husband talk me into doing “the Nasty". Now he pesters me all the time to do it again. How often is normal for a married couple to do "the nasty'?
Bernadette, Tuskaloosa.
Dear Bernadette,
It is NEVER normal for a married couple to do "the nasty". See if you can talk him into sexual intercourse instead, you might like that better.
Good luck, Willie
ELECTRICS
Dear Willie,Are you any good with electrics? I’ve been trying to put up a light fitting all day and it’s driving me nuts. The lights go on when I disconnect them and stay dim when I power them up. Help me before I am forced into installing gas lighting.
Gurmeet, Glasgow
Dear Gurmeet,
My, my, you have got yourself into a fankle, but relax yourself, for I am a master of the electric beastie. To make the electricals work you must first pray to the great God, Power Company, and sacrifice huge amounts of cash to it. Having done this you will have no home left and will not require electric power and your problem will therefore be solved. Cave living is becoming very popular these days and they can be lit and heated very adequately if your cave is situated above an oil field.
Willie
POETRY
Dearest Willie,
But I need to know,
Is it proper,
To ride a chopper,
On a Tuesday eve?
My dear girl Janet,
Says no’s her call,
She fears that I will fall,
But I have told her,
I am a soldier,
And know no fear at all.
Pete the Poet, San Francisco
Dear Pete,
I’m no poet,
And I know it,
But ride your bike,
Whene’er you like.
Willie
SILLY
Dear Willie,I think your column is extremely silly. You do not offer sound, sensible, advice as behoves a mature man with your wide experience, but rely on humour and wit to entertain rather than facing up to the many problems that ail humankind. Would it not be better if you cast aside this clownish aspect and dedicated yourself to a sober appraisal of the many difficulties that your readers encounter?
Mrs Ticklemybottom, Utah
Dear Mrs Ticklemybottom,
I stand by my credo, humous is the best medicine.
Willie
RUNAWAY
Dear Willie,My wife has run away with an insurance salesman but the company will still not pay out for the fire that destroyed my house. When that occurred my wife ran away with a fireman. Previous to that the insurance company would not pay out for our house being burgled, the occasion when Mildred ran off with the investigating police officer.
I had no need to require redress from them when she ran off with a sewage engineer as the fault was entirely my own. Newspapers do not flush well down a toilet. I knew when I married her that Mildred had an adventurous nature and to date she has run off with other men 38 times, but usually only stays with them for a few weeks. How can I stop her coming back?
Calvin, Vermont
Dear Calvin,
You’re not using your head at all, at all, my man. You know, deep in your heart, that you can never change Mildred’s flighty nature and that she will run off with the next man that crosses her path. Plan ahead, therefore, and move house the next time she goes roaming. With any luck she might stay put with the next occupier of your house and you will get peace.
Willie
RECIPROCAL
Dear Willie,My husband went to work three weeks ago and has never returned home. That’s 21 wasted dinners I’ve cooked. He has just disappeared. What can I do?
Glenda, Coventry
Dear Glenda,
Phone Calvin above, who will shortly be in need of a good woman.
Willie
HIRSUTE
Dear Willie,I have met a girl and fallen madly in love with her. She has the face of an angel, a really sweet nature and is suitably pneumatic. The problem is that she is, how shall I put it, rather hirsute down below. This came as a shock, when I first discovered it, as she’s not French or anything. How can I tell her that it’s not fashionable to be so encumbered in this day and age.
Wilbur, Peoria
Dear Wilbur,
What you need, my boy, is the Acme Bushmaster Model V3000. This is not, as you might think, any kind of electric razor, but a whip with which to tame unruly bushes which can harbour all kinds of wildlife. Alvin Tootle’s wife, Seraphim, kept a monkey in hers for years and he never once suspected.
Willie
