Well, my Sadie has shown her sense of humour this post, and no doubt, but I forgive her for she's a lovely lass. Willie, the Scottish Sage, here again to help you with all your problems.
RHINO
Dear Willie,I have a problem. The latch on the back door is broken and the cat is getting out and annoying the rhino. Please fix it.
Sadie, Loch Ness
Dear Sadie,
In just a wee minute, my fine lass, just as soon as I’ve solved these few problems.
Willie
OTHER WOMEN
Dear Willie,I have incontrovertible proof that my husband has been seeing other women (see pic).
Some days he sees several women and I think there are quite a few women at his work that he sees regularly. I love him and I thought he loved me. How can I stop him seeing other women?
Violet, Penn.
Dear Violet,
Your husband seems to be a vile philanderer and as you know seeing invariably leads to looking and God only knows where it may end. Your challenge, it seems to me, is to make yourself so attractive that your husband only has eyes for you. Basques, stockings and thongs are useful tools where these matters are concerned and are particularly efficacious in supermarkets and during church visits.
Willie
ROADS
Dear Willie,How many roads must a man walk down, before you can call him a man?
Bob, USA
Dear Bob,
Three.
Willie
FEAR OF FLYING
Dear Willie,I am terrified of flying and have now found that I absolutely must take a flight to visit my daughter in Australia who has just given me a grandchild. What can I do to conquer this fear?
Mrs Lobo, Penrith
Dear Mrs Lobo,
As with most fears, they can only be overcome by taking things gradually. I would suggest standing on a chair for lengthy periods to start with. The flight from England to Australia takes approximately 12 hours, so that should be enough. Then, in slow stages, you increase the height you can tolerate. The top of the wardrobe would be a good next step. Try jumping onto the bed to get the feeling of actually flying. You will find it quite exhilarating. Soon you will be doing barrel rolls, and when you can achieve this, you will be ready for your first long-distance flight.
Willie
MONSTER
Dear Willie,I bet you are asked this all the time, due to your location, but is there actually a Loch Ness monster?
Phil, Bermuda
Dear Phil,
I can categorically state that there is no Loch Ness monster, there are actually 283 and to describe them as monsters is something of a misnomer. They are reptiles, related to and descended from dinosaurs, though they have never been classified. Their outstanding feature is their sense of humour.
Willie
BANK ACCOUNTS
Dear Willie,I am Mr George Nduka, Vice President of the Nigerian National Bank. For many years I have been trying to give many millions of US dollars to lucky people in the west, but they choose to ignore my generosity. They claim that I am spamming them and only wish to scam them for their bank details. This is totally untrue and I have the fraud convictions to prove this. You are a wise man, my good friend, Willie, and I am sure that you can see that I am an honest man. You offer advice and I offer cold hard cash, which in many cases can solve problems, so that you see we are essentially brothers on the same mission to help. Please send me your bank details.
George, Abuja
Dear George,
You sound like a wonderful man to me and I am proud to call you my brother and would be proud to give you my bank details if I only had one. I keep all my cash in a box under my bed and Direct Debit payments consist of Sadie slapping me on the head once a month and telling me to pay the bills.
Willie
