“I am Willie, the Scottish Sage. I live on the banks of Loch Ness with my beautiful young wife Sadie and attempt to solve all of your problems, whether they be personal, familial, sexual or whatever, by tapping into my vast knowledge of ancient Scottish wisdom and lore. Feel free to consult me at willie@scriptschool.co.uk Welcome to Willie’s Wisdom.”
CONGRESS
Dear Willie,My husband has recently read the Kama Sutra and thinks we should indulge in some of the more esoteric sexual positions it recommends. I was okay with the Congress of the Bull and the Congress of the Goat but the Congress of the Snake gives me sore shoulders. Any suggestions?
Carol, Cleveland
Dear Carol,
This is because snakes don’t have shoulders. You would have noticed this if you’d noted that you rarely see a snake wearing a shirt. Luckily Vatsayana, who wrote the oriental filth, had no knowledge of Australia or we would have been cursed with the Congress of the Kangaroo, which is taking things a hop too far.
Willie
CREASES
Dear Willie,I got married recently and my new wife has taken on laundry duties, including ironing. The problem is that she is putting a crease in my jeans. I was led to understand that a crease in your jeans was a secret signal that one was a homosexual.
I have nothing against homosexuals but I am not one and don’t want others thinking I am. Is it a secret signal or am I being paranoid?
Chris, Wyoming
Dear Chris,
It’s no’ much o’ a homsexualist secret if you know about it. However, creases in jeans are not a signal that you are gay but creases in underpants are, and if someone has got you down to your underpants the chances are that you are, at the very least, curious.
Willie
NOSES
Dear Willie,Is it true that you can tell the size of a man’s feet by the size of his nose?
Shirley, NJ
Dear Shirley,
This is a common misconception, first promoted by the Hiaquachi Indians of British Columbia who had very large noses but very small feet. Neighbouring tribes believed that large feet equated to large male organs and The Hiaquachi started this rumour to try and attract mates. It was not greatly successful but kick-started the North American advertising industry.
Willie
BOOZE
Dear Willie,I can’t find an alcoholic drink to suit me. Beer bags me up, I detest the taste of whisky and wine makes me retch. Can you suggest a drink I could actually enjoy?
Marty, Washington D.C.
Dear Marty,
The finest drink I know is vodka and lentil soup. This concoction is a meal in itself and lines your stomach as you imbibe. It’s not available in shops so you’ll have to mix it yourself, but even canned soup will do. Slainthe!
Willie
PYJAMAS
Dear Willie,I recently got married to a wonderful man but have discovered that he wears old-fashioned, striped, pyjamas to bed. Is this normal practice in this day and age, what with central heating?
Gladys, Cornwall
Dear Gladys,
No, I don’t think pyjamas are necessary for heating purposes. But your husband is obviously a shy person and doesn’t want to reveal his manly torso to you in case it makes you blush. Over time, perhaps 10 years or so, he might reveal a little more and I’m sure it will be well worth the wait. Alternatively you could hide his pyjama cord and achieve your aims with the assistance of gravity.
Willie
ALIENS
Dear Willie,I have an irrational fear of being kidnapped by aliens. I wouldn’t mind if they were like Mr Spock as I believe Vulcans would make excellent ballroom dancers, which is one of my abiding interests. But I am incredibly scared of the large greys with their huge eyes and anal probes. What can I do to alleviate this phobia?Mrs Slatterley, Ilfracombe
Dear Mrs Slatterley,
As with many things that scare us, the only way to conquer this fear is to face up to it. I would suggest that you have your husband dress up as a large grey alien and do to you what you fear large grey aliens would do to you. If he does this with kindness and consideration your fear will disappear and when the event does occur you can face it with a smile on your face.
Willie
