“Welcome, readers, I am Willie, the Scottish Sage. I live on the banks of Loch Ness with my beautiful young wife Sadie and attempt to solve all of your problems, whether they be personal, familial, sexual or whatever, by tapping into my vast knowledge of ancient Scottish wisdom and lore. Feel free to consult me at willie@scriptschool.co.uk Welcome to Willie’s Wisdom.”
FRENCH
Dear Willie,Are you the Scottish Willie who is saying that we French are ‘cheese eating surrender monkeys’? Merde, it is a lie! We French are the bravest of the brave and only have a Foreign Legion so that non-Frenchmen can have a chance to be as brave as us. Also it is not true that the avenues of Paris are lined with trees to shade the German soldiers as they march in. I despise you for your racism, it is the Italians who are cowards.
Jean Paul Chapeau, Marseille
Dear Jean Paul,
Willie
MING
Dear Willie, Last night I got drunk and fell against a table and broke my wife’s favourite antique Ming vase. Now she says I either must stop drinking, or she'll leave me. what should I do?
Anonymous, USA
Dear Anonymous,
The only way to maintain a healthy relationship is through intense denial. Deny that you got drunk, deny that you fell against the table and deny that you broke the vase.
Never admit to anything. You were not drunk, you were concussed as you’d been struck by a small meteorite; you did not fall against a table, that was the dog; and you did not break the vase, that was a KGB assassin’s bullet which narrowly missed you and saved your wife from life as a widow. The more creative you can be, the better.
Us liars is brilliant.
Willie
BOTTOMS
Dear Willie,My wife has a very large bottom, which is excellent as I really like large bottoms. Unfortunately her friends have made her very self-conscious about it and she is threatening to go on a diet and take up keep-fit in order to reduce it from its current perfection. How can I convince her to keep it titanic?
Botty Bob, Burnley
Dear Bob,
I’m afraid that I can’t help you with this one as I feel your wife should lose weight for health reasons. However, there is no reason why you cannot enjoy your wife having a huge bottom when you are in the privacy of your own home. Simply have her stuff a large firm pillow into the rear of her undies as she moves around the house. You may have to experiment to find the right size and consistency, but feel free to grab a handful to confirm satisfaction as she passes.
Willie
KLINGON
Dear Willie,Our son (9) has told us that he wishes to be a Klingon warrior when he grows up. We have tried telling him that Klingons are only fictional characters, but he is inspired by their bravery and honour and is very stubborn. His alternative choice is ladies hairdresser and my husband won’t hear of that. Any suggestions?
Wilma, Manitoba
Dear Wilma,
Klingon hairdressers are renowned throughout the quadrant for their skills and I think you should encourage your son in his ambitions. Even though we do not yet have warp drive, which will limit your son’s scope, there must be many female Star Trek fans who could do with having their hair done. Kapla, young man.
Willie
SKIN
Dear Willie,I am having great trouble maintaining a healthy complexion. How can I have the smooth skin I crave?
Loretta, Tamworth
Dear Loretta,
I have a sure-fire way of achieving and maintaining a beautiful complexion. First, take three soft boiled eggs. Mash these up and place them in a mixing bowl. Add two tablespoons of natural yoghurt and mix. Add the juice of eight oranges and a splash of English mustard. Mix thoroughly and transfer to a Tupperware bowl. Seal securely. Now take the bowl into the nearest field and throw it as far as you can. Retrieve it and repeat 24 times. This will give you fresh air and exercise, which is all you need for lovely skin.
Willie
NAMES
Dear Willie,I’d like to change my name as I think it’s rather boring, only I can’t decide what to change it into. Friends and family have made various suggestions (some of them quite rude) but I just cannot settle on something that would suit me. I’ve decided to consult you because I respect your immense wisdom.
Jack Newhouse, Birmingham
Dear Jack,
Thank you for the compliment. I don’t think you need to change your name at all, but merely translate it into Italian, in which case you will be Giacomo Casanova.
Willie
