Well, I've been neglecting my chores and Sadie has gone unkissed, but I have been determined to catch up with the backlog of problems which have been gathering in my Inbox. The life of a Scottish Sage, solving the problems of the world, is not an easy one and I accept my fate with quiet dignity. That and a cold supper from my lovely wife. Read on and benefit from my immense wisdom, dear friends ...
BEST LOVERS
Dear Willie,
My friends and I were discussing which nationality of men make the best lovers. Rosetta said her Luigi was the tops, but Gitte claimed her man, Christian was amazing. With this level of national pride we were obviously never going to get a consensus. The only way to get an unbiased opinion was going to be ask somebody who has no national loyalties, but such a woman doesn’t exist. It was my friend, Rosemary, who suggested that I consult you, as she has been a great fan of yours and respects your immense wisdom. So, Willie, which men make the best lovers?
Rita, NY
Dear Rita,
Strictly speaking, the Japanese make the best lovers. They are made of plastic and run on batteries, but are not very good conversationalists. Following them are the Scots, and this does not display national pride on my part, but an acceptance of reality as I personally know many of these chaps. The legendary Kinky MacDoohan could get a woman pregnant through a brick wall; Hugh Jorgen could give a woman an orgasm just by looking at her and Mungo MacDonut could woo a woman without moving his lips. Show me another nation that could boast such heroes?
Willie
SANTA
Dear Willie,
What would you say is the best way to tell my son, Sam, that Santa Claus doesn’t exist? Obviously I don’t want to hurt him or cause any trauma, but I think the time has finally come when he should know the truth. He always looks forward to Christmas and it is a joy to see his adorable little face as he writes his Christmas present list to be posted up the chimney, but both his father and I think that it is time he abandoned these childish fantasies. Sam is 43.
Jill, York
Dear Jill,
It is always more traumatic for the parents than the child to face the truth. Sam knows that Santa Claus exists because he is brought presents by him every year. It is of no use telling him that you yourselves supply these presents, as he knows that you are both miserable and mean-spirited people who wouldn’t buy him the X-Box when he asked for it. But, suddenly, come Christmas and his request to Santa, the X-Box suddenly appears. Ipso facto, Santa exists. Live with it.
Willie
CORPORAL PUNISHMENT
Dear Willie,
We cannot discipline our boys and they run wild terrorising the neighbourhood. What is your opinion on corporal punishment?
Terry, Washington
Dear Terry,
I don’t want to get into a lengthy debate on this subject, but suffice it to say that I believe that we should only resort to physical violence when it is totally unnecessary.
Willie
GOLDFISH
Dear Willie,
My daughter is demanding that I buy her a pony but has finally has come to accept that this is impractical as we live in an apartment block. She has now shifted her demands to a pet of any sort and doesn’t mind if it’s a dog, cat or hamster. What would you suggest?
Carlos, Madrid
Dear Carlos,
The best pet for a young lassie is a goldfish because of its many fine qualities. Your daughter could train it and goldfish are incredibly capable in following commands such as ‘Swim!’ and ‘Be Quiet!’. The lesser spotted Peruvian goldfish can even swim backwards, but only on Tuesdays. Unfortunately goldfish do not have a long lifespan and to avoid its demise causing your daughter distress I would recommend that you have it stuffed so that she can wear it as a brooch.Willie
CARS
Dear Willie,
I don’t know if your wisdom, legendary though it is, stretches to automobiles. The thing is that we need to buy a new one and are unsure of which one to get. We are a family of four and require the car for commuting to work, the school run, weekend shopping and the occasional continental holiday. I know you don’t endorse products in your column but if you could suggest which type of car to go for it would be greatly appreciated.
Troy, Kent
Dear Troy,
The car you require doesn’t exist. All I can suggest is that you buy two different ones, one for local commuting and one for your longer trips, cut them in half and weld them together. This may seem like an expensive proposition but if you bring this new vehicle to market you may just make yourself a fortune.
Willie
PARTY DRESS
Dear Willie,
I am thinking of joining the Communist Party as I think that communism is due to be fashionable again. Unfortunately although I have blue and black above-the-knee party dresses, I do not have a Communist Party dress and none of the stores seem to stock them. Do you have any suggestions?
Barbara, Tx
Dear Barbara,
I think you should reappraise your new-found passion for communism as their parties are inevitably dull with endless discussions about the oppression of the proletariat which will no doubt bore a towering intellect such as yours. But to answer your question, any well-worn dress, dyed red, will do the job.
Willie
